Trying to Stop Your Leaving

Got a pebble, got a pebble in my hand

And I toss it out into the middle of the Rio Grande

But the river keeps running

Don't even know that I'm around

I can throw in a million more and not slow it down,

And that's kind of the way I'm feeling,

 Trying to Stop Your Leaving

There's nothing I wouldn't try

If I thought it would change your mind

Trains a'coming, Rivers running, Pains a'coming, Tears a'running...and that's kind of the way I'm feeling, knowing I couldn't stop your leaving

Reacquainting Myself with Anguish

The discovery of Hudson's new tumor has reawakened my soul deep dread of what is to come.  I asked him last night to just give me five more months.  I keep telling him if he can just make it to the date of his diagnosis, it will be enough for me.  That’s a lie.  No amount of time will be enough.  Hudson is my baby.  He was the first Dane we ever adopted and he has been a mama’s boy since the moment he arrived.  I don’t know how to exist without him.

Hudson isn’t currently on any chemo.  It’s been over a month since his last IV chemo treatment, and his oral chemo meds haven’t arrived.  He’s been extremely tired lately and has to be tempted off the couch to go outside.  Occasionally, I see flashes of my goofy boy.  He will toss his toys around, or play with the ten pound Min Pin that we are fostering.  He’s not in pain and he’s not ready to go, but I’m beginning to get glimpses of what the end will be like.  I’m not ready.

On my way home from work, I broke down in the car because of the words of a song…

Lord, make me a rainbow
I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you
When she stands under my colors
Oh, life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain’t even grey but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I’ve had just enough time

Just Got Back From Hell

The day I took Hudson to get his stitches out at Animal Hospital Specialty Center, a song called "Just Got Back from Hell" came on.  Ever since that day, every time I have put Hudson in the car and taken him to AHSC, my ipod has always played "Just Got Back from Hell by Gary Allan.  Consider that my ipod has over 700 songs and is on shuffle.  The coincidence is staggering.  Particularly since this song puts into words how Hudson's struggle has made me feel. 

I actually cried in the car the day the stitches came out after listening to it.  It talks about my guilt, how my life went on hold while we dealt with the immediate aftermath of amputation, and how I feel like I'll never be the same person I was. 

This song was written after Gary Allan's wife committed suicide.  Admittedly, the dark place that I came from was nowhere near the pain and suffering he was trying to relate, but this song really speaks to, and for me.