The Chemo That Wasn't (#5)

Hudson and I went for Chemo today, but as usual, his White Cell count was too low.  We're due back on Monday to try again.

Goodbye Sweet Izzy

Despair & Hope at the Same Time

Unfortunately, we didn't receive the hoped for news on Thursday. X rays revealed that the cancer has metastasized in Hudson's lungs. There are 7 tumors spread fairly evenly through out his lungs, ranging in size from 0.5 cm to 2.5 cm.  We have elected to try a different chemo drug (doxorubicin) in an attempt to slow down the growth of the tumors, but it's not a life saving measure. At present, he is showing no symptoms and is a happy goofy boy.

As for how much time he has left, we aren't sure.  Best case scenario, where the tumors maintain present size, or even shrink, would allow him 6-9 months of quality life.

If the tumors don't react to the chemo, or H's body isn't able to handle the chemo, we have 1-3 months of quality time.


He is scheduled to return to the AHSC on Wednesday for an EKG.  Doxorubicin is toxic to the heart, so it shouldn't be given until an EKG is done to ensure that the patient's heart is strong enough.  I chose to have Hudson receive his first dose prior to the EKG.  There is a risk to his heart associated, but I felt the risk of letting the cancer grow for another week was greater.  His Oncologist did check him for a murmur or any other audible heart issues. 


He also has to get a CBC on Thursday.  I'm anxious to get the results of this.  Hudson seems to be doing really well on Doxorubicin so far.  It's supposed to be a tougher chemo, that is harder on the GI tract and shows more side effects.  We haven't seen any side effects.  Hudson hasn't been very lethargic and there has been no loss of appetite.

Tony's IM's

I've been stressing about Hudson's chemo appt all day today.  I'm thinking I'm going to ask them to Xray his chest a month early, because I don't know if I can do this for another month.


I sent Tony an IM telling him that I'm so nervous my stomach is upset and he said:


TMendrallaArrow 1:53 pm
(1:53:24 PM):     Bouncer and I had a 20 minute conversation last night while you were gone. He is aware that he needs to be just fine, and he said he isn't worried and feels great. I am not making up a cute story...I'm serious!


TMendrallaArrow 1:54 pm
(1:54:37 PM):      He knows his role! To protect his mama and to look after his siblings!!

(We call Hudson "Bare-Butt Bouncer" since he hops along, and his rear was mostly bare for two months after surgery.  Bouncing is what Hudsons do best!)

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow. ~Swedish Proverb

At previous chemo appointments, no mention was made of doing chest xrays for Hudson on the fourth chemo visit.  Izzy had them done on the fourth visit, and so did most of the Tripawd blogs I visited.  I've been decidedly upset all day about the looming shadow of Thursday, so I called Dr. Janson today to confirm that chest films would be done.

I missed her return call (stupid cell phone signals) but she left me a voicemail.  She waits until the 5th chemo appointment to do the xrays. 

I now have another 30 days to worry about Hudson.  I know the worry does no good, but I think about it at odd moments through out the day.  I don't want to do this for another month.

Hudson is still blissfully happy, unaware of the sword that dangles over our heads.  When I am around him, I force myself to remain happy and upbeat.  I don't want him to sense any sort of worry or concern.

Only man clogs his happiness with care, destroying what is with thoughts of what may be.  ~John Dryden

Izzy

The day after Hudson's third chemo treatment, I logged into Facebook and found this post on Marie's Facebook.

I was sitting at my desk at work when I read it.  It was as if the world had stopped and everything went silent. 

Izzy doesn't deserve this.  She had an extremely tough life and she's fought through every obstacle that has arisen with grace and strength.  The last thing that should have taken her down was cancer.

She's been three weeks ahead of Hudson through his entire cancer fight.  She was my inspiration during Hell Week.  Her diagnosis has hit me especially hard.  I don't think I ever allowed myself to think that tumors could form in Hudson's lungs while he is on chemo. 

Logically, my brain recognizes that Izzy's case has absolutely nothing to do with Hudson's.  My heart doesn't.  I'm so afraid that Hudson's next appointment will mirror Izzy's.  I'm trying very hard not to think about it.  I've tried multiple times to write this post since August 19, but haven't been able to marshal my emotions until now.  Just thinking about Izzy and what is happening to her, and could happen to Hudson, makes me sick.  My stomach churns and my eyes fill with tears.

D Day is still two weeks away, September 15th.  That will be Hudson's fourth chemo treatment, and they will do chest films to determine if tumors have formed in his lungs.  In the meantime, Hudson gets to lay on the bed with me every night until Tony comes to bed and he's getting a lot more cuddles.